They say that if you go through a break up, you need to talk about it
with someone. Since I'm not used to talk to people about my personal
thoughts, I decided to write them and the best place is this blog. This
is the personal one, the ones that spans across time and contains the
deepest parts of my heart. This is where I need to be washed off.
At this point in time, the most difficult think is The thought. The
thought of her. The thought of her that consumes every day, minute and
second of my life while extending its reach to the past, the present and
the future. It's so strong that requires an effort beyond my
capabilities to ease it out. I keep catching myself trying to talk to
myself out of it. "Don't think about this now". "Let it go". "What's the
point?". It's impossible. It's certainly impossible to remove the
thought as it is impossible to weaken it out. It's a thought that has
been haunting me since the day I met her and in a sense, it's my solid
proof that I really loved her and I most certainly still do.
In every day life - at work, at home, when I'm outside - it's just
omnipresent in a way that I can't remember from any other time in life.
It's taking serious effort to concentrate at work (hell, I'm writing
this post from work), it pushes me back to a paralysis at home and it
makes me wanna see no one in general in a social way. I tend to believe
that I can't fight this and that it's part of the process of separating
myself and my thinking from J. Look, I wrote the first letter of her
name. This kind of small things - being afraid to write the first letter
of her name - are extremely important to me. Pressing the key "j"
together with Shift on my keyboard took a typing time interval and
effort that make me feel like a paralyzed person. There is no power on
earth right now that could force me write her full name.
I don't wonder why I feel this way. I am certain of the importance of my
feelings. The question is, for how long am I going to be feeling this
and what should I do with this feeling of awkwardness and pain? Well,
feel it, I guess. That's all.
Asking these questions is a result of another realization that happened a
while ago. Well, it's not a solid realization, although I would like it
to be. It's more of an assumption - and maybe that's the whole problem.
It's this: me and her are never ever going to be together again. We are
never going to meet and talk, being the same persons that we were when
we initially met. Eventually, my realization-assumption indicates that
the person I met is lost. Forever. The person she met, is also lost
forever. What was there, is most probably lost (they were right, writing
about it damn helps).
As I said, the thought spans in the future as well. How will it be when I
meet her again? What will we say? Will I still love her? When is it
going to be? How will I be? How will she be? What will we say? What will
we say? What will we do? It's a feeling that is peaceful and tormenting
on the same time. Peaceful because it leaves open that little crack of
possibilities of me and her smiling to each other, touching each other,
being together with each other again. Tormenting because it steels away
my sleep. It's been a few days that sleeping without alcohol is
impossible. No remedy for that, I have accepted it. I will go sleepless
for a while. Till I won't be any more.
But thoughts silently span in the "possible future" as well. How would
we be if this and that and the other thing were solved? Right? Imagine
the possibilities. The light. Oh damn. The light. It's even painful
writing about it. The light around her, in her eyes. I'm restating it:
this is the most difficult part of this and it has been the most
difficult part of this relationship. But what is it more than a dream
that I created, alone? What is it more than the an obsession within
which I lived alone? Why is this obsession so strong? Why is the idea of
this light so strong? Again, I think that this is the most difficult
thing that's why these are all silent thoughts. I'm unable to deal with
it but I don't know why. I hope I can find out.
Thoughts go to the past as well. What if this or that had happened?
Recollecting all the times that I was wrong (and annoying) and all the
times that she was annoying to me. A labyrinth with no end (praise JLB).
A labyrinth with rough walls and monsters of emotional destruction.
I don't know where to start from, to forget, to separate, to detach. I
have no clue. Things look so complicated, difficult, fucked up, unreal
right now. On the other hand, why should there be a start? Maybe this is
a process with no actual starting point. Maybe this is how it starts.
